Better Times After 50 - Side By Side

Dr Steve Mason

PSYCHOLOGIST &
CELEBRITY COLUMNIST FOR NOT BORN YESTERDAY!
AND PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

Frequent Guests

DI CHAPMAN
LIFESTYLE REPORTER
& GUEST HOST

ROSEMARY DE CUIR

FAMILY ADVOCATE

SIBYL FARSON
HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

TERRI BENINCASA
BOOMER COACH

Side-by-Side - September 2009 ^{Click to Return to Current Month Discussion} Question: I just celebrated my third anniversary with my third husband. What can we do to put the spark back in our love life?
DR. MASON Response from Dr. Mason After a few years, even the most passionate relationships cool. This is because people tend to avoid mating with "blood" relatives and, over time, husbands and wives slowly morph into brothers and sisters. Yesterday's lovers become tomorrow's friends as monogamy begins to resemble incest. It explains the old joke about the long suffering husband, unable to consummate the act, saying to his unresponsive wife, "What?! You can't think of anybody either?" The answer, instead of serial marriages, should be serial affairs. But Americans, unlike the French, are far too uncomfortable with sex to ever accept such an obvious solution. So therapists suggest things like role-play. Go to a bar separately, pretend to meet and then try to pick each other up. Unfortunately, this calls for a far greater suspension of disbelief than most normal people can muster. So, instead of pretending to be someone new, why not actually become someone new? Learning leads to growth and growth leads to different insights and different outlooks...in short, a new you. Think of the college graduate trying to reconnect with his former best buddy who got a job right out of high school. Each is amazed at how much the other has changed and, with little in common, they go their separate ways. But a couple can use learning to grow together. Start reading, traveling, working out, attending lectures and always remember to compare notes. Share your experiences. It may be that the husband painting landscapes and enjoying wines and the wife learning to sail and listening to music can slowly become new - and surprisingly attractive - individuals. Contact Dr. Mason by email at DrSBMason@aol.com.		KRISTIN Response from Kristin Well, there's spark...and then there's SPARK. After three husbands, you know what I mean. Which brings me to the point: are you the only one feeling the need to liven up your love life? You say you've had three marriages (as if to say, "Hey guys, I've been doing this awhile.") But is your husband equally experienced? Important information since your partner may not feel the same urgency to tamper with the status quo. Sad but true, people in long term relationships, or short term for that matter, often don't have the same goals in this area. So if you are both suffering from a little ennui - that's one thing - but if it's not "our" love life you want to work on but your own, that could be tricky. Even trickier may be if HE is the one wanting more oomph than you're willing to give...Either way, communication is key here, and let's hope your pillow talk is filled with love. Making someone feel inadequate is the last way you want to go, unless you want to be looking for husband #4. I'm assuming you've explored the conventional way of jazzing up sex; new positions, disguises, fantasies, props, scents, etc. This is not my area of expertise, but any book or video store, I'm sure, could provide a fountain of ideas. If I were in your shoes - or out of them - I would rediscover something "new" about your mate. When we are with the same person for a long time, we sometimes stop looking deeply at each other. The long eyelashes or strong neck we once found so desirable, now seems invisible. Try giving that feature your renewed focus. Who knows, you might fall a little in lust again. Contact Kristin by email at bettertimesafter50@hotmail.com.